It's weird but since I had my second surgery only a few days ago, I've had some fear of writing on the blog. Not sure why, but I think it might have something to do with facing reality. My brain is different. My thoughts seem to flow differently. What if I'm not able to write the way I want to because of these things? It's hard to explain exactly how my mind is moving/calculating differently, but it is. Not like when you lose a limb, your eyesight or something tangible, it's just as though there is something different. Not good or bad, just changed. It's something that I am feeling everyday as I recover from this. I just can't hone in on it yet exactly. At least not enough to be able to put it into words.

I'm sure I'll be able to explain more clearly as time passes. But for now, I'll just have to leave it at: my brain is in major recovery mode and I'm dealing with some different thought patterns. What those exact thought patterns are, I'm just not sure. Really. In a strange way though, I feel much more lucid than I did after the first cut. Jim and I were talking about that at dinner last night. That my memory seems good and my thoughts seem to be flowing nicely. Clearly anyway. And this is just 4 days out of this whole thing. So that's really nice to feel. Yet, there's something different that I can't tap into yet. And it's creating some hesitation on my part to put my shit out there.

Fear. I read this book probably some 15/20 years ago called "Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway". It was sort of a help-yourself-mom-meets-oprah type book but pretty interesting advice if you ask me. I mean, feel the fear, don't run from it. I like that concept. It's not going to go away so you might as well get with and get on with it. I mean shit, right?! Right!!

So here I sit in my house (which I am soooooooo glad to be back in by the way!!!!!) typing on the ol' blob even though I'm worried my words might not be my own. Because I don't own my thoughts yet. I guess that's how I feel. It's like every moment I think, I'm redesigning my brain. Reconstructing. I guess the huge area where they took out the tumor fills with spinal fluid at first. I've only heard this from friends and family, not from the doctors themselves, so I'm pretty sure that's the case but not positive. First the area fills up with fluid then eventually the brain grows back. I think....and then think again....and maybe I think one more time.....this is what happens.

I've been doing things like typing "I new exactly what you were saying" and not correcting the "new to knew". I also wrote to someone "I need some piece and quiet" and never fixed that either. Just little shit but it bothers me that I don't notice these things right away anymore. I do see them eventually of course but it's just not hitting as quickly as I'm used to. This is the type of re-thinking I'm having to deal with. It's like my brain can't run as fast as it's used to. No wonder. A 3 inch hole in there (at least), things are bound to take a minute to get their shit back together. I'll be patient. But in the mean time, I'm a bit shy typing in front of all of you. Be nice :-) (Although, Jim and I both noticed that after the first surgery, I had some trouble with my short term memory. At this point, that doesn't seem to be as much of an issue which is nice. We'll see what happens with that and I'll try to keep typing my way through the fear just because I like to stay in touch and I want you to know what's going on during the healing process.)

Another amazing thing that also happened during this past 4 day stay in the hospital was my friend the intuitive healer, Peter Roth, came for a visit. It was really nice because my mom and brother were both in on the session. Really amazing for all three of us to be in the room for his healing. Serious healing for my family on a lot of levels. For sure. My sister wants to write a book called "How My Brother's Brain Tumor Healed Our Family". Now that's nice!! Using this situation to not only heal my own body but to heal some old family wounds. Beautiful. (And just so you know, I've been trying to get my family to come and visit me more often and at the very least, I finally found a way to do that :-))

Peter also mentioned that one of the things he saw in my situation, was how much light was surrounding me. Not just coming from within but that I am being surrounded by healing love and light. Which, by the way folks, is you!! I mean, we already knew this was the case didn't we. That everyone's positive energy coming my way was helping me heal. And heal well. For real. Although, to have Peter notice it so quickly and so clearly was comforting for me. I am truly grateful everyday for this power you have given to me. This light and love to heal. The ability to get on with this whole process quickly. Peter also said, that my tumor is indeed a huge monster, but the light we are admitting is much too big for it to survive in. So thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!

I can't type anymore right now. Too wiped in the head. It's so hard to find the tangent of what I'm experiencing in my brain. I'm sure some of it comes clear in my text. Hopefully you can see the wound in some sort of way. But for now, if my brain were my legs, they're tired and I need to rest. Frankly, I wish I could stretch it they way I do my legs after a run. I'm going to look into that.

If you want, webmaster mettam put up some vidz from the Barbés gig I did just before the surgery last week. They're on the little tv icon up there. So at least you know I can still do some playing. Haven't touched the horn again yet, but I'm sure it will come soon enough. I'll let you know.

Peace everyone.

Andrew

And it's nice to be back talking to you. Like that.

Tommy D did a good job don't you think?! I feel good. I'm awake and alert. This is one heck of a journey to say the least.

I'm so glad to be on the other side of this. So damn relieved.

Come say hi.

Blessings.

Andrew

So we sit in the cluttered and tight room of the NOU (that is the Neurological Observatoin Unit...these guys really know how to name rooms) and Big D is awake. In comes Dr. Gutin, Brain Suregeon, and his gaggle of eager and young neophytes looking on. "Yo G!" says Andrew. A big smile from G, whom by the looks of it is not accustomed to such a greeting. A meeting is called at the desk, which by the way, is only two feet from the end of the bed. "Did you hear that? Did you hear how what he said to Dr. Gutin?" said one of the onlookers dressed in white. Her look was one of surprise and delight. My guess is that G does not get reffered to this way very often. "That's what we should call him." said the other. Giggles. Go for it, I think.

Big D is doing very well. Better, in fact, than Chapter I back in February. That kid has a lot of fight in him. It will take a lot more than this to hold down this man.

Dad is off to a gig in Pittsburgh and mom and I are back in the very clean confines of Big D's apartment after our third dinner at Bar Toto. We left him sound asleep. Curled up, in fact. We will go to the hospital one more time tomorrow and then my mom and I are off to Seattle. At this point it looks like a Friday release for Big D. Back to home. Back to that big outside world.

It's all good Big D. It's all good.

Peace,
Little D

The doctor was average. Average in every way except his skill, or so I am told. Had any of us seen him on the street we would not have given him a second look. We would have ignorantly passed by this gentlemen who in his mind and hands held a secret so few men possess. Here is a man who lives in rarified air. Dr. Gutin, Brain Surgeon.

"It all went very well," the Dr. reported to our fatigued ears. "I believe we got 99% of it. Andrew is doing well. He was able to move his hands and feet and communicate, so that is all good. That's what we want to see." Question about this, question about that.. answer to this, answer to that. Our 15 minutes with brilliance was done.

More waiting. (By the way, I am very glad that at some point someone invented the waiting room for two reasons. The first, and most important, is that without this room I'm not sure where we would all go as we did our waiting. Secondly, and not nearly as important, is that it makes going to the cafeteria something to look forward to. I'm sure the cafeteria people appreciate that.)

"I have heard this 99% thing before," I said cynically to my family after the meeting. "Tom, the difference this time is that they have an actual MRI in the surgery room and do periodic scans during the surgery itself." Came the response. Well, that must be good. OK, I'm on board.

We made our way into the recovery room, a very lively and lovely place where surgery patients lie, in recovery (another apt named room) while family members like us trapse through trying to look optimistic. We had only a short spell of time and he was sound asleep, looking rather peaceful I thought. Good for him, I thought. Sleep all you can.

I must admit though, guiltily, that I was a little disappointed. Last time when I came into the ICU the first words out of Andrew's mouth were "Are you blogging, Tom? You've got to keep on Blogging!!!!" A piece of me was hoping for the same post-op interaction but this time he needed rest. Well, it must have worked anyway, as here I am in the cafeteria blogging and was able to get 4 exclamation points in. Now this time I can tell him, Yes, Andrew - It's all good.

Peace, Tom

I am feeling a little bit of pressure here as a fill-in on the blob...don't know if I can replicate the voyage in words offered by my brother over the past few weeks. But I'll give it a shot but let's keep our expectations reasonable (please).

Thanks to the continued graciousness of Oscar The Giving we arrived at our designated time of 5 a.m. this morning at Memorial Hospital (aka Sloan Kettering). In a seemingly redundant dream state we went through the pre-op ritual though this time Andrew was in a more lucid and calm state. While I would like to attribute Andrews centered nature to the calming presence of Oscar and me, the truth is the Adavan probably had more to say about it as well as Andrew's own style of emotional and mental preparation. This preparation ritual is not FDA approved to date but as far as those around him are concerned it is worthy of study. I give my brother much credit. He is being strong and courageous with a touch of tenacity and humor.

As I return to the hospital environment I am again reminded of the cold nature of institution. It is hard to walk by beds made for children in a place like this, let alone remembering why we are here in the first place. Thank God the people are so humane and helpful and professionals to the end. As the machines click and clack and the scanners hum and toss particles through your skin and bones, there is that angelic voice of the "MRI Technician", human and caring. As the U2 lyric says, it is love and reason that will see us through. Well, they are seeing us through right now.

As I write this Andrew has a 3" hole in his cranium open and Dr. Guttin is utilizing the most high tech equipment possible to remove the balance of Andrew's brain tumor. My brother's life and future is in his and his team's skillful hands and discerning judgment. Andrew's body is reacting to the drugs and the trauma. His mind may be resting but his body is being tested. Meanwhile the arms of the clock pass slowly and we sit in seats that are still warm from those who came before us. Waiting. Praying. Thinking. That's what we can do. While we wish so much we could somehow take some of the burden, the fear, the truth is the best we can do is be on the path alongside with a ready hand. I know I speak for all of the family (mom and dad are here, by the way) when we say the outpouring of support is truly something and is making a difference. Thank you to all and I dare ask for you to keep it coming.

We expect the doctor to be done sometime between noon and 2 p.m. "depending". We'll keep in touch. Not one exclamation point. He will be disappointed.

Tom

Hi.

So the gig was really fun! Thank you to everyone who made it out. Especially to my friends who jammed with me. Very fun indeed :o) Plus, it seems as though everything is in working condition. Good news. My stamina is down a bit but my ideas seem to be flowing. Sweet. Which means I'll see you on the other side of this thing with my horn in hand!!

I can't help but post this quote from the Matrix Institute's newsletter below. For many years now I have read the work of Gordon Michael Scallion. Tim Kieper's mom gave me his book "Notes From the Cosmos" probably some 10 years ago. If you have the time, check it out. It's an incredible book.

On his website Matrix Institute he has all kinds of info about the future of human consciousness, predictions on Earth changes and tons of spiritual insights. Some of you probably have even heard me talk about his work before.

Below is a quote from his latest journal. It's a transcript from an interview he did on a program called "After Dark" which is hosted by George Noory. The radio station is called "Coast to Coast". Check that out too if you have the inclination. More incredible insights into the future of mankind, spirituality and human existence here on planet earth.

Hopefully it's OK to reprint this quote from the interview. I'm assuming it is.

"GMS: Awareness occurs in many first as dreams and day dreams. They begin to show the entity images of past incarnations and places where the soul has experienced a life relative to the current life. A renewed interest in ancient civilizations and past life recall shall come over the planet, as well as a recognition of the importance of the law of karma.

Other changes that shall begin are changes in speech patterns. For example, the use of the word “we” begins to dominate the language instead of “I.”

Now, as in all shifts in consciousness, changes occur slowly over long periods of time until the psychic force is such that the many are able to participate. We would say this shift began in 1958, and this year, 2008 will be seen as the period when the people of the world woke up from a deep sleep and realized that they truly are spiritual beings. Changes in the political landscape will be followed by a dynamic movement to create programs of service. This shall come as a response to the desire of young people to be in service.

Do not mistake this shift as a religious one, though to be sure, religion will change. Rather this is a spiritual awakening and if we were to look to the future we would see this new found awakening realaized and incorporated all that the souls had previously experienced. Nature, which once was violated by souls seeking individual expression, would now be embraced and recognized as part of the Oneness of Creation."

Gordon Michael Scallion