Man, believe it or not, our friend (and sometimes argumentative loving companion) Cristina, was actually able to get me an appointment at Fred Hutchinson in Seattle. I believe this is the cancer wing at the UW. In any case, she was able to get someone to see me on extremely short notice and I will be flying to Seattle on Friday. As part of the benefit concert last Friday at the Tea Lounge, my friend Danny Levinson and his wife Molly, offered me a free airline flight back to Seattle anytime I felt I needed it. Well, if that didn't come in handy so fast!!! Thank you to Cristina for getting me the appointment and thank you Molly and Dan for getting me to Seattle on such short notice!!! AMAZING!!!!

I of course don't know much about the UW hospital but supposedly the gentleman doctor I am seeing is amazing. Plus, I certainly look forward to getting his point of view on all this. As we've been saying here, it can't hurt to get lots of opinions on what to do in my situation. I will DEFINITELY post his opinion after I meet with him on Monday. I'm looking forward to both seeing my family and getting the chance to meet with this neurologist at Fred Hutch. Should be interesting to say the very least. I might even have to go for a run around Green Lake :-)

Also, just so everyone knows, that picture I put here yesterday is actually the cover to the book on Chemotherapy the hospital gave me. I did NOT just photoshop that in!! It's for real!! Or for unreal. However you choose to look at it. I know that scenery is what it's going to feel like to be on Chemo. I just know it. Does anybody recognize the mountains in the photo? I think I'll take some valium and see if I can get there.....

The following text are not my words but from a website where this guy is selling his book called "Cancer-Step Outside the Box". I bought it. My sister recommended it. I'll let you know what it says once I've read it. The authors name is Ty M. Bollinger.

Here is text from the website about the book:

If you’re concerned about the “C” word, then Cancer - Step Outside the Box is the book you’ve been waiting for. It reveals the most potent and well-proven alternative strategies for preventing and treating cancer... without surgery, chemotherapy, or radiation (i.e. the “Big 3”).

Inside, you’ll find a wealth of information that your doctor probably doesn’t know. Here’s why: while at medical school, doctors not only receive biased information but also learn a very drug-intensive style of medicine. As a result, most doctors are still thinking “inside the box” when it comes to cancer. Sadly, the cancer “box” is largely the creation of multinational pharmaceutical companies attempting to peddle their poisons (such as chemotherapy) in an effort to increase shareholder profits. Sadly, these profits are oftentimes generated at the expense (both monetarily and physically) of the dying cancer patient.

Did you know that the overall success rate for most cancers treated with the chemotherapy is a paltry 3%? In other words, it has a 97% fatality rate. And it is not only legal, but it is the only treatment recommended by most conventional oncologists! That’s right…the official position of most conventional oncologists is that the “Big 3” treatments (specifically chemotherapy) is the only treatment protocol that should be available to sufferers of cancer. Is this the “Twilight Zone” or what?

BEWARE: If you attempt to step “outside the box” and find an alternative cancer treatment that actually works and increases your lifespan by years or decades, then you may be committing a crime. The “Big 3” conventional cancer treatments are more and more being enforced by gunpoint. Parents who attempt to protect their children from the dangers of surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation may find themselves accused of kidnapping their own children! Just look at the story of Abraham Cherrix when you get a few minutes. Google it and you'll be amazed. . .

Either we are free or we are slaves. There is no middle ground. You see, the Cancer Industry is like the slave owners 200 years ago. If you ran a plantation back in the slave days, you wanted to make sure that your slaves remained obedient, submissive, and illiterate. If a slave had the nerve to disobey “the master,” then he was beaten within an inch of his life. Books weren’t allowed, thus slaves were unable to learn to read. These steps were taken to insure that they would never have the boldness to venture off the plantation and the master would have a “slave for life.” In the Cancer Industry, patients are like slaves, and the slave owners want to make sure that they remain enslaved by suppressing information about alternative treatments and persecuting those who dare to question their authority and use an alternative treatment.

Today’s world is like “the matrix.” White is black and black is white. The Cancer Industry is well organized, unbelievably well funded, and has total control over the news media due to the massive amounts of advertising dollars spent by Big Pharma. It takes time to get to the bottom of important issues, and therein lies the problem. People want to learn everything they need to know about something by watching an hour of TV; students want to learn complicated mathematics while they play video games. But this won’t work when it comes to learning about the cures for cancer. You must do your homework!

This book, Cancer - Step Outside the Box, will probably challenge everything you have heard since you were born. From the crib, we have been taught to blindly believe everything we read in the papers and on the internet, what we hear on the radio, and what we watch on TV. You see, the world of cancer politics and cancer treatments is not a simple world, and it is impossible to overcome decades of constant propaganda and false information by casually reading for 45 minutes.

Cancer - Step Outside the Box is packed with priceless information and cancer treatment protocols which are being used to to treat and even reverse cancer in multiple cancer clinics worldwide. Click HERE to read the Vic Whiley story entitled "Cancer Survivor." It is a very encouraging account of beating cancer through persistence, hope, and good alternative treatments.

The bottom line is that cancer patients deserve to know the truth and to make choices based upon this truth. And the truth is that the proven cancer prevention strategies and the real cures for cancer do not need a prescription, nor do they require surgery or barbaric procedures like radiation or chemotherapy. If you will allow yourself to step outside “the box” and actually think for yourself, then this book may save your life or the life of someone you love.

Get this book!!!
http://www.cancertruth.net/?gclid=CLqpwLiw5ZECFSWiiQodSziTkA

The phonetics are from the "Patient Information Fact Card" on Temozolomide (also known as Temodar). Thank God because that is not an easy word to pronounce, that's for sure. Believe it or not, many of you have brought this particular product up to me already. It's a form of chemotherapy and is supposedly very successful in "curing" (I use that word cautiously here) the type of brain tumor I have. Maybe I should say it's good at "poisoning to death" the type of brain tumor I have. I think that's more apt. (One thing my father often reminded me of when I was a young student writing a paper was to always keep a dictionary by my side. Not to look up words to use of course but to look up words I was using. Just to make sure I knew the correct definition of them and, of course, the correct spelling. Ah, the old fashioned spell-check. Now I just use the dictionary in the Dashboard. How sweet is that Dashboard. Hey, did any of you have that competition in grade school where the teacher would have the whole class look up a word in the dictionary and see who could find it the fastest? Well, I HATED that particular test of speed! Don't know why but I could never beat Andy Dale. He had red hair and was just simply faster than me at this particular task. Damn you Andy Dale!! Plus, throughout grades 1 through 5 Andy and I always sat next to each other in class. Since he was "Dale" and I was "D'Angelo" our names always came right after one another in the alphabet. And for some reason, all those old teachers back in the 30's, sat the classroom by the alphabet. Do they still do that? Seat you kids A to Z?)

So the word of the day is Temozolomide and it's what the fine doctors at Sloan-Kettering are offering up for treatment. And when I say 'fine doctors', boy do I meant it!! I gotta tell you folks that Mr Speed and myself were THOROUGHLY impressed with the two doctors we saw today at Sloan-Kettering. Never mind the facility itself. Truly impressive. Pretty much every single person we met...EVERY ONE OF THEM.....was super professional and helpful. I can't remember a time, within the confines of the United States, where I ran into such an all-around competence level contained in one institution. Really. So that part was not only impressive but reassuring. It makes you feel good as a patient to know that not only are your doctors competent but so is the girl taking your blood, the guy helping you register, the folks in patient financial, the social worker and so on....very uplifting indeed. All in all an amazing experience up at Sloan-Kettering considering we were there to basically find out their opinion on how to kill my brain tumor. Or the rest of what's left of it anyway.

Which brings me to another point. The surgery itself. One of the things you have to do, in order to get 2nd/3rd/4th opinions, is show them your MRI scans. Both pre and post operation. The two doctors who saw me today were incredibly impressed with the surgery done by Dr Alterman. They said, he did an incredibly thorough (the other word of the day) job and removed almost %100 of the tumor. At least from what they could see. I will of course have to get more MRI scans done at their facility, just to make sure every machine is seeing the same thing. So, not only was it my dream to have brain cancer but I had forgot how much of my dream included going in that fucking MRI scanner as often as possible. However, there is an upside to all this. They said I could take Valium beforehand and actually gave me a prescription for a few capsules. I don't plan on becoming a user but in the case of getting into that machine, I'll do whatever it takes. WHATEVER IT TAKES!! In any case though, both doctors said I was in good hands with Dr Alterman and were very impressed with his work. But we already knew how incredible Dr Alterman was. Didn't we.

At this point, let me tell you the protocol they are recommending. Just know, that as of right now, we do not have the results of the chromosomal depletions. Basically meaning that any treatment given at this point could change ever so slightly depending on the results of that test. However, there are certain things that can and will take place no matter what the results. What they are recommending at this point is.......A clinical trial.

Which means, "we're not really sure if this works but we would like to try it on you." Upside? A lot of the cost is handled by the hospital itself. Basically, inside of the trial here's what I would have to do: six months of Temozolomide treatment. This chemical is taken by mouth every 23 days for 1 week during a six month period. The nice thing about this chemotherapy is that it's a pill which I can take at home. Meaning, I wouldn't have to go in for treatment but would of course have to hit the hospital at the end of every cycle for testing. Which makes sense of course. Plus, it's awfully tempting seeing as how I wouldn't have to traipse into the City every day for half a year. Very tempting indeed. However, the clinical trial part of this particular treatment is that following the 6 months of Temozolomide therapy, I would then be checked into the hospital for at least 2 weeks (probably more like 3 weeks) and given a super duper major big-ass HUGE dose of chemotherapy. What chemicals are used I don't know. What I do know is that the chemo is so intense and toxic that it almost kills me. Basically, almost all of my bone marrow is destroyed and they then would have to do what they call "stem cell replacement therapy". This means, that after I do the Temozolomide for 6 months, but before I go into the hospital for this intense chemo regime, they take some of my healthy stem cells and store them. They do this so that after they almost destroy my system, they can replace the destruction with the healthy stem cells they have removed from my body. Sounds simple enough I suppose but incredibly dangerous to me. Plus, this runs into that whole, "why the fuck almost kill myself, poison myself, just to save myself!?" Other thing is, there is no guarantee this works and never mind the fact that there could be long term ill-effects of the chemicals they use. I could, very possibly, get another type of cancer later in my life from the treatment. There's just no telling. Some of you have even brought up to me that there have been cases some 20 years after treatment where cancer has shown up in patients bodies strangely around radiated and poisoned areas of the body. Neato.

So what would you do?

Before you tell me your opinion you should hear the other option. If I decide not to do the stem cell replacement clinical trial, I would need to do the Temozolomide in tandem with radiation. In that case I would do 6 weeks, 5 days a week, of radiation therapy and then move onto the 6 month regime of Temozolomide chemo as outlined above. Minus the 2 week bone marrow destruction of course. Sheesh, when I type it out, it seems pretty clear what option to take. I suppose it's a good thing I'm doing this. Again, please feel free to share your insights. I always appreciate any and all wisdom you have. Believe me. I have no experience with this. Part of me wants to just find a really kick ass Chinese medicine doctor and get the hell out of all this toxic poisoning crap. Know what I'm saying folks?

I know what you're thinking. "But Andrew, what was the best part of the day?!" Well, most certainly the best part of the day was shopping with Chris after being in the hospital for almost 7 hours together. I made him go to the BoConcept store on 57th street so I could look at this armchair I'm in love with there. I of course can't afford it, too many medical expenses ;-), but certainly I had to go and look!! As I chatted it up with the sales lady, Chika, he stood outside with his arms crossed impatiently waiting for me to choose my fabric and ottoman design. Fully well knowing I wasn't going to buy the chair but trying my best to get the "brain tumor" discount anyway. Haven't been able to work that angle yet. Couldn't get Chika to come down on the price one bit. Dang. I'm pretty sure I need Ms Kitty in order to make this work. Where are you when I need you Ms Kitty!?!?

Well, it's true, I'll admit it, I've been off the blob for a minute here. Reason being....no reason. I guess having Thorsteinn here has been a bit distracting plus, on the brain front, it's a little on the quiet side. Nothing exciting. Just headaches. For those of you who have been through your own versions of some kind of illness, you probably remember this stage well......wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.....get one opinion, another opinion, another and yet another....then wait some more....A friend of mine, who lost her Mother to cancer some years back, made a good point: "Why not get at least 3 opinions regarding treatment. I mean shit, I get at least 10 opinions when I'm buying an airline ticket online or checking for a hotel room, why wouldn't a person do the same when their life is on the line?!" Good point I thought. Good point indeed.

Right now, I have my big meeting at Sloan-Kettering tomorrow (today really I suppose, Tuesday) and I meet with the radiation therapist (radio-oncologist...not sure what her official title is) at Mount Sinai on Wednesday. It's a big week for meetings and such. Plus, I gotta tell you I feel like some sort of hunter/gatherer trying to acquire all the necessary information these meetings. You know, MRI scans, pathology reports, hospital records and such. Kind of a pain in the butt tracking all this shit down. Not impossible mind you, but certainly not as easy as buying a six pack and drinking it. Sometimes I wonder if these hospitals want you to actually get second opinions. In any case, they don't make it easy. That's for sure.

The real point being here.....things are a tad boring at the moment. I know this is just the 'sort-of' fun before the 'serious' fun begins. I can't wait for that. The other idea someone had was to go and receive treatment in Seattle at Fred Hutchinson. That could be cool actually because then I would be around the family. Plus, that Seattle is one beautiful town for sure. Anyway, just another treatment option to check out and another opportunity to get an opinion in the case Sloan doesn't work out. Although, not to put all my eggs in one basket, but I am gunning for Sloan-Kettering myself. It's what I'm feeling and it's where I'd like to be for all this. Plus, as some of you know, I do have a nice apartment and really wouldn't mind being here in Brooklyn for my treatment. Really wouldn't mind that at all. So at this point, we just have to wait and see what the Doctor Gods bring me for answers this week. Wait, wait and wait again. I'll post any news of course as soon as I have it. For sure.

I also must thank everyone who was involved in the benefit concert on Friday at the Tea Lounge. After a little decision making crisis on my part, I ended up going there for an hour or so. And from what I saw/heard, what an incredibly nice hang. Indeed. I was totally blown away and I have to tell you, so freakin' happy to see all the love!! I couldn't have imagined a more beautiful night and will admit, I was more than a little humbled by everyone's generosity. So thank you to all who were involved. I will give an extra bit of love here to The Speed and Michal because I think they made sure things went as they did. Unbelievably smooth actually and definitely a night to remember. So thank you!!! Just know that I really appreciate everything and that if you contributed financially, you definitely helped put a nice dent in the expenses I've incurred thus far!! So cheers to that and thank you sooo much for the help!!!!

Also, this past Sunday, I was finally able to see my landlady's nieces, Marie and Annette. Remember them from the story of the original seizure? Well, anyway, I finally got to see them and this was the the first time since I was checked into the emergency room at Mount Sinai. So it had been a while for sure. Really nice to be able to give them a hug and a kiss. Oscar was with me and I think for both of us it was really nice to have a minute together with them. Truly lovely people and certainly life savers in their own right. I look forward to getting back on the ladder for all of you ladies soon!! :-) However they did have one request, and that was to make a correction. It was something I omitted simply because, well, because I wasn't awake or aware or conscience or anything during any of this. I relied on their recollection.

What they wanted you to know was the reason for Chris' car having to be towed. It's a point worth bringing up I think. I mean, we understand that Mrs Maier wanted to stay with the car. That we get. But why not just have one of the nieces or nephews or some family member drive the car back to Terrace Place? I mean shit, are they too old? Did they not have cars of their own? Why did they call a tow truck instead of driving the green machine (what we'll call Speed's palatial automobile for this part of the story) back home? When I started to think about it, Marie and Annette were right, it just didn't make sense. Even though, it's pretty much a known fact that Mrs Maier doesn't drive. Never has in fact I'm pretty sure (we'll fact check that). Always been Mr Maier who did the driving. She never even had a license as far as I know. And some 5 years ago, Mr Maier had his own seizure while driving and they took his driving privileges away. So there you have that part of the story. Mrs Maier stayed with the car because she couldn't drive (which is why I was driving her to Costco in the first place) and also because Mr Maier couldn't drive in any case.

So, if you remember the story, at a certain point, she called Annette and Marie for help. But now the big question is....why didn't one of them drive the car back? Well, as luck may have it, none of the Family (I capitalize Family here because, well, this particular group deserves it, believe me) could drive a stick. Neither Annette nor Marie. Nor Uncle Tony. No one. See, NOW we have an understanding of the situation!! Chris Speed's hotrod was a stick and no one knew how to drive it. NOW I GET IT!!! Mrs Maier stayed with the car, got a tow truck, because no one in the immediate Family could drive the damn thing. OK!!!! That really clears things up for me and I thought I'd pass it along to you. In fact, the ladies pretty much insisted I do as much. I agree though. It fills in a pretty big gap in the story. The one that goes from "Mrs Maier didn't want to leave the car so it wouldn't get a ticket....to.....Mrs Maier climbed in the tow truck and headed home...." That freakin' detail always bugged me. Now it doesn't. I have seen the light.

I really would like for you all to meet them. At the very least the two nieces Marie and Annette plus the king pin, Uncle Tony. I know many of you have met Chris' landlord Sal and his daughter Mary. This is Mrs Maier's brother and other niece. Those two are wonderful people as well and have always treated Chris like family. Really folks, this is one incredible group of people here. But in any case, I would love for you to meet them and perhaps I can get them to show up to the Barbes benefit on Thursday. I know they usually go to bed after they drink their warm milk at 8pm or so. But maybe, just MAYBE, this one night, I can get them to come out so that you can give them a big hello and a thank you. I know for me, it's a fun story to tell and after everything we've been through, it would feel complete to me somehow to have the outside world know that I'm not making them up. That they do actually exist. Don't you agree?

The last point I'll make today is well, yet another thank you. Many of you have sent me notes via this website. While you're on the Blog page, at the bottom, there is a "You can contact Andrew here" link. And many of you have done so. I just want to give the grand Thank You because there has been so much incredibly helpful information given to me it's kind of overwhelming. But please do keep it coming. I don't know that I have made any concrete decisions and it seems like so many of you have some serious experience with this and I need your help. Plus, sometimes just getting a nice mail with some love and support is really good for me. Seriously. Perhaps you don't know how much it means on some days, especially on the dark days, how nice it is to get a note of confidence from someone. I really appreciate it and not a word goes unread. Unreplied maybe, but not unread. Make sure you include your email so I can get back to you. It's because the program won't let me just hit 'reply' and automatically take me to your mail. I have to copy and paste so if you don't include your address, I have no way of contacting you back. But no matter what, please do contact me with any pertinent information you may have or any love you want to give. I really enjoy it and thank you!!!

I'll let you know how the meetings go these next couple of days. If nothing else hopefully I'll see some of you at Barbes on Thursday. Looking forward to that for sure!!

Love,

Andrew

As you can probably imagine, I received a wide range of responses to my blog yesterday. There was no doubt in my mind that this was going to be the case. And as many of you stated in your emails to me, I put myself out there, so why not respond accordingly. I couldn't agree more. Apparently, neither could you. Plus, we all know that that I have always put myself out there. Both artistically and emotionally. I will admit however, I'm really happy that this time my free-expression is purely based on my own situation. I suppose that there have been times where my 'openness' has caused people a certain amount of stress. Believe me when I tell you that I never meant any harm. I have just always felt that speaking openly and honestly is the best way to get to the root of and understand any given situation. Plus, it's just the way I was brought up. Although, if you ask my parents, they say it's the way I brought them up ;-) So go figure. My Mother and Father said I was always very 'social' and 'open'. Even as a kid. Always willing to share my thoughts with strangers and family alike. Sometimes much to their chagrin. Oh well, can't help it and to be honest, I think it's one of my strongest attributes......emotional honesty and openness. Makes for some good improvising. That's for sure.

But really, that whole paragraph I just wrote is not what I wanted to say. I'll leave it though. What I wanted to say is Thank You. Thank you to everyone who sent me their thoughts regarding yesterdays blob entry. Thank you thank you thank you. Truly inspirational and amazingly, most of you let me have it. You really let me have my day in the mud. Again, thank you. And really, as I typed quickly yesterday, I wasn't giving up. I wasn't and I'm not. Just frustrated. I'm sure you can imagine as much. I know I'm not alone with this reality. Some of you are in the middle of brain tumors yourself. Some of you are on the other side of cancer. Some of you are inside of cancer. We all have our own reality. These entries, well, they're just my chance to vent. My opportunity to let things flow through my psyche. I need that. I need this. So it's only natural that you respond accordingly. In fact, I expect as much. (By the way Eileen, your email was exceptionally inspirational. Thank you for that. I don't know you, you know me barely I suppose but really, thank you. It was unexpected and beautiful. Not that any One email was more or less inspirational than another. Although, there is something incredible about hearing from someone who you barely know, yet who seems to have a some major insight to your situation on such a personal level. Plus, it's obvious, that because I am so expository with my feelings here, people really have no qualms with expressing themselves back at me. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THIS, you all have NO PROBLEM expressing your feelings towards my situation. I LOVE THAT!!!! :-)))))))) So again, I thank you!!)

I digress.

But check this, what an incredible day I had yesterday. Really!! I can't even imagine, after having such a depressing and crappy night the night before (see blog entry), that I could have such a wonderful day. Really. !!!!! (Just a quick note here, my sister is getting pissed about all the exclamation points. I'm trying to cut down but it's really hard sis! Once you've starting using, it's hard to stop. I'll try to curb the use. I promise. But no guarantees!!) Anyway, after having such a poopy night, I had such a freakin' great day yesterday. Why? well......

Well, first off, many of you said it's important that I'm not alone. And to be honest, personally, I didn't believe you. I thought for sure, since my sister had to leave yesterday, that being alone is just what the doctor ordered. Not so folks. If you ever get brain cancer, or actually, any kind of fucked up "face of death" illness, don't be alone. !!! (damn, I'm trying Doopers!!) One of the best things that happened to me yesterday was that Þorsteinn arrived from Iceland with his friend Ragnar. I guess I didn't realize how important it was going to be to have someone next to me all night to talk to. (To hold) Man, just ask him, I was like a 10 year old boy chatting it up with him all night. Sooooooo good to have the companionship. FOR SURE!!! That was an unexpected bonus of his arrival. I of course knew it was going to be great to see him, I guess I just had no idea it HOW amazing it was going to be to have him here. Nice. So not being alone is a good thing in my situation. Having a visitor from far away lands is proving to be better than expected. More on him later. I promise :-)

Now, like I stated earlier, I had an amazing day yesterday. Having the boyfriend arrive was one of the highlights for sure but there were other things. I'm sure that most of you know by now that there couldn't be a good day without Oskar being involved. You know that, right? I mean shit, at this point, the Oskar is a key element in just about everyday I have. (By the way, we all really want O to get a tattoo. Think it would look sexy as hell on him. I'm thinking a mermaid. Kind of a sailor vibe. Any other ideas ladies?) But one very simple thing I love to do with Oskar (actually, it seems I'm not alone here) is go out to eat. It's a simple thing for sure, just sitting at Bar Toto and eating some food with such a beautiful human, but still, there's just something about it that makes my heart strong. Can't explain why. It just does. So O and I went to lunch at Toto and for some reason (now, you have to remember that I've been hanging with Oskar for 15 years or something like that so eating together shouldn't be that big of a deal. But somehow, it is.) sitting with him is just so peaceful. Now, he did bring up this window about 10 times. And you know what, didn't even bother me :-) But as my day progressed from start to finish, eating lunch with my friend Oskar was one of nicest things I did all day. Even my brother, who was here for a couple of weeks during this whole ordeal, noticed that there was something to hanging with the Oskar and having a meal out. There's just something about it I can't put into words. So I'll stop there.

Now, because we are all "going out to eat sluts", we decided to meet once again at Toto for dinner last night as well. Jim, Oskar, Val, me, Þorsteinn and Ragnar. I bring this up only because of the ride home. As an aside, one of the other nice things that happened yesterday was the article in the Times written by our friend Nate Chinen. It was about both my situation and Dennis Irwin's. Basically, outlining the health care crisis in America as it relates specifically to jazz musicians. Most of us have no health insurance. Oddly enough, not just 2 days before my seizure, Jim, Chris and myself were talking about how we should all get insurance. "Just in case". Damn. Anyway.....

So, we had lunch and dinner at Toto. Both fun and yummy. But anyway, the reason I even bring this up is the ride home. Like I was saying, Nate wrote this article in the Times that printed yesterday. And as luck would have it, because of this article, some attention was drawn towards my situation and therefore, I received a call from Monica Cohen with some news. There was some interest from a doctor at Sloan-Kettering to have a visit with me. Sloan-Kettering is supposedly a very good cancer treatment hospital. A doctor there (I think) told Monica as much or something like this. Anyway, it can't be bad news when a hospital asks to see you....right? Especially one of such stature. Pretty amazing if you ask me. And timely (considering my mental state). Plus, for some unexplainable reason, it just made me feel good. I guess there might be some alternative treatments at Sloan? Some of you mentioned temozolomide. Plus, it's always good to get a second opinion. At least, that has been my experience so far with this whole thing. Second, third, fourth opinions....always been helpful.

Anyway.....man, today I have been writing this entry for what seems like 6 hours. Not straight through but between hanging with the boyfriend and taking my daily "tumor nap" (Still in my Big Kahuna PJ's here folks :-) I have been unable to finish writing what I want to. I just spoke with my Mother and she has a friend printing out the blog everyday for her so now that I know she is reading this, I really want to make sure I keep up. I'll do my best Connie.....

So, like I was saying about 300 hours ago........Oskar was giving us all a ride home from Bar Toto, Phase 2. Those of us who have hung throughout the years know that there is a man we call "Keem". He owns the 24-hour store up the street called "Sweet Pea". Truly one of the most loving guys you'll ever meet. In fact, when I'm gone for a long time on a tour, he's often the first person to greet me back home. Asking me at 4am....."Where you been!?" And then complimenting that statement with "How's your Mommy?".....I always tell him you're ok Mom. But this visit was different. I asked Oskar if we could stop there on the way home because Thorsteinn wanted to buy some beer and because I can't drink beer anymore, I had not seen Mr Keem since this whole ordeal began. Needless to say, word got back to him through the community (and by the fact his beer sales dropped in half) that something had happened to me. He was worried and concerned. So I decided this was as good a chance to stop in and say hello and show him my cool scar. Plus, I had Oskar and his super nice car to take me home :-) Can't go wrong here folks......

Man, I don't consider myself a writer or anything, but I have heard about real writers having difficulty getting to the point. Definitely a problem for me today. It's almost 6pm and I still haven't even told you the darn story I began this whole entry to begin with. BUT, to recap.....NY Times article.....attention to my situation....phone call for contact at Sloan-Kettering.....Bar Toto has good food.....I'm rambling on.....ride home with Oskar....so we stop at Sweet Pea to see Keem and allow boyfriend to buy some beer.....show my head scar to Papa (I call Keem Papa).....and now we're back on the same page...hopefully....

Once I was in the store and see Mr Keem I take off my cool ass hat that Laura Cromwell made for me so he can see my scar. Really folks, this is one freakin' cool hat Laura made!!! I show Papa my scar and he is taking it all in, sort of in shock as you can imagine. (Just so you know, I've been hanging with this old man for 15 years or so. He's seen a lot of us throughout the years. All of us. And he himself lost a few fingers in the Korean war. So he's been through a lot in his lifetime as well.) But as I'm showing him my head, this women is in the shop and starts asking me what the hell happened. I explain the brain surgery and she is incredulous. Asking me "You had brain surgery when!??!" And as it turns out she's a nurse at Sloan-Kettering and does emergency operations there. Or nurses for them anyway. Then she tells me I should go see her son because he works at Sloan-Kettering and does cancer treatment. Crazy coincidence (or is it). And THEN she said how the f*&^ck is it that I am standing there in front of her?!?!? So close to having brain surgery!? She was a bit taken back and I'm not even sure she believed me after we left. "You're a miracle" she exclaims!! HA!!! I'm a miracle, I thought!! It made me feel good for at least 20 seconds. Maybe a little longer. But how cool is that!! All is pointing to Sloan-Kettering. Nice.

I know, I know.

I am not giving up in my post everyone!!! Please stop saying that!!! It's just not what I am doing or saying or meaning or anything-ing. I will post more tomorrow on this subject but I'm just tired of hearing "Don't give up Andrew" and "You can beat this Andrew" and "You have the strength". I know this. I'm NOT GIVING UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST CRANKY AND TIRED AND DEPRESSED FOR A MINUTE!!!!! GIVE ME THAT!! OK!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!??!??!

OK, thank you. More on this tomorrow, I promise.

Andrew

So many of you have said to me how impressed or amazed you are that I can be so positive through all this. Well, let me just say to you, that up until now, it hasn't been something I've had to work at. Basically, I've been giving you a straight look into my opinions and thoughts during this whole process. If they happen to be positive, well then, that's just the way things were going. I guess my point here is that I'm not doing something where I say to myself "I'm going to put on my positive happy hat and get through this with a smile on my face." Never been like that with me folks. In fact, because of all the love and support I've had throughout, there has never been a moment where I felt I like I couldn't make it. Never a moment where I didn't want to just move on to the next phase of all this crap with the most positive and happiest attitude I could possibly muster up. Again, not because I was "trying" to do so but just because it was coming naturally that way to me. Even after finding out I have terminal brain cancer. (Fuck that sounds just so awful now.) But even after hearing that from the doctor, there was still part of me that knew (and still knows) everything is going to be alright. That I'll make it through this a better person and so on and so forth......until yesterday.

Right now, I need to apologize to some of the younger viewers here and some you who are friends of my Mother's. My nieces and nephews of course (who are not golden oldie nieces like Mrs Maier's are ;-) and any other of you who are like Drummond's age and such. I'm sorry for this post and I wish I could stop you from reading it. It's not going to bode well with your psyche. It's probably, most likely, not something you can understand at such a young age. I know I wouldn't have been able to understand it when I was a teenager. Plus, I'm not going to be able to curb by tongue. I'm very angry today. I'm incredibly upset, depressed and not in a good place because of the news I received at my meeting with the neurologist yesterday. (Actually, I think he's a 'neurooncologist' or however you fucking spell that). Anyway, FUCK CANCER SHIT!!!!! AND FUCK THE TREATMENT OF THIS BULLSHIT!!!!

So, I have been prescribed to take radiation treatment for 6 weeks, 4/5 days a week starting as soon as possible. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK (Sorry, but it just feels so good!!). Now I have to take puke fucking toxic bullshit ass fucking crap radiation fucked up shit toxic ass fucking medical industry doesn't know shit about my fucking brain tumor fucking assholes. I'll lose my hair and feel sick and have to go to the damn hospital every fucking day and get poisoned and feel like shit even more and the best part is THIS TREATMENT COULD NOT EVEN WORK!!!!!!!!!!! I COULD STILL DIE FROM THIS SHIT!!! Man, GOOD NEWS!!! I love modern medicine. They really know what they are doing. They know radiation works......well, of course it does, because it's so damn toxic it just kills everything anyway. Good. Just shoot that crap into my brain for 30 days, and OF COURSE things are going to die!!! SHRINK!!! FUCKING WHATEVER!!! NO FUCKIN DUH!!!! OK. See. I'm not happy today and really, I feel like crap. There has not been a day since this began, where I felt more destitute than I do today. I'm so depressed I can't believe it. And on top of all this radiation, and the 5 years they give me to live (which is just a number, I know), they tell me they want me to stop taking supplements because they could interfere with the therapy. Yeah, of course they could. They might actually heal me after you poison my ass. You're right, who would want my cells to regenerate after all that poison? My bad. I'll be careful not to interfere with your guessing game Doctors.

OK,that brings me to the darkest point I can think of at this moment. Or at least, up until this moment. Again, sorry to you younger folks out there and sorry to those of you who think all of the sudden I'm being negative. I'm just not. It's a real question. Many of you cancer survivors out there, many of you who have mailed me, say things like "they told me I would die from cancer in 3 or so years and now here I am, 10 years later, alive and well!" My only question is.....and? So you're alive? You made it!! You lived through the prognosis. Congratulations. (Hey, by the way, these guesses on life expectancy by the medical industry must be way off because so far, I haven't heard of them being correct in even one case. Everyone I've talked to has outlived their cancer. I don't think anyone really knows any good stats of cancer survival rates. If doctors understood what it was they were dealing with, they wouldn't give such dire prognosis....s). And then let me ask you this, you survived cancer, you're living proof that cancer doesn't have to take your life. OK. Cool. But so what? And I don't mean to talk about any one person who has emailed me or something. It's not like that. What I want to know, actually from even those of you who never have had cancer, who really gives a flying fuck to stay on this planet anyway?! What's the big deal? Why is Earth so great? The physical realm that we call 'life'. What's so great about it???

I guess my point here (man, again, I'm sorry if this is dark but it's just where I'm at today)....my point is, what's the big deal about staying alive? Who cares about planet Earth and riding the subway and busting ass everyday and buying clothes to wear......hey, just turn on the TV to see what you're living for. Nothing. There is nothing folks. So why would I sit through 6 weeks of toxic dump waste streaming into my body, just so I can stay alive on this planet? To support our great leaders? To help destroy the planet....slowly? Too bad we can't just speed this up. Watching the Earth get destroyed little by little is really torturous for those of us who care. Which I know is most of us here. Please, let me wallow in the gutter here a little bit. It feels good and by the way, it was bound to happen at some point. Let me just get it out of my system.

One of the reasons I originally contacted Donna was that I wanted to tell someone that I was done. I said to her when we talked the first time, that's it, I'm done with physical reality. I'm not coming back again. I have no desire to take physical form on planet Earth again. Finished. Some of you get this and know what I mean and then I'm sure some of you, who don't believe in reincarnation but believe in Heaven and Earth, probably don't get it at all. But maybe you can, someone can, answer this.....what are we getting out of this journey on Earth? What are you getting? I can tell you what I'm getting....that is spirituality. There you have it, we are here on Earth to become more spiritual yet all we obsess about, is our physical bodies. I'm literally going to toxify the hell out of my body, to kill a tumor that is probably toxic and derived from toxic material, in order to live free of toxins, so that I can live in a toxic world that's slowly being destroyed by the people who inhabit it. Great. I'll take it. Sign me up.

The other day, after coming out of the hospital, I was walking down the street with my sister. (Walking down the street with my sister has become a regular occurrence in my life these days. If I walked down the street with my sister 20 times in the last 30 years, I've now walked with her 1,000 times in the last 2 weeks. Very nice indeed. I suppose one of the offshoots of terminal brain cancer is that you get the chance to be close to with your family. Let me give everyone a piece of advice right here and now.... Don't wait until your brother, father, mother, sister, uncle, cousin....whatever, gets fucking sick before you do something nice with them!! Get to it now!! DON'T WAIT!!!!). Man, that was a serious tangent....anyway, after coming out of the hospital the other day, my sister and I are walking down the street, and we saw this guy litter. What an asshole we thought. A small gesture on his part of course but I mean shit, here I am, just trying to deal with my own little reality and this guy has to throw some trash on the street. Really annoying. It's amazing how little things like littering become so huge in situations like this. Well, I'm sure you all know what I'm saying here. And if you don't, oh well, I don't care. Stop destroying the fucking planet already. And those of you who kill animals and eat them, you better knock that off too!!

OK, back to my self absorbed reticulation. I'm depressed. I'll admit that. I don't know what the point of sustaining my existence is. Why do it? Those of you who have survived cancer. Is your life better than it was? Are you making a greater impact on the World than before? What's the point of being here? Does your life have more meaning now? Why do I want to survive cancer? Why in God's name would I want to spend 100's of thousands of dollars just to shoot toxic waste into my body just so I can live 10 more years? Can you give me a good reason? OK, music you might say. That's a good one for sure. I have the chance to keep making my music and all be doggoned, that's a good reason right there. Well, of those of you who use that as a reason for me to stay here on Earth, when was the last time you even saw me play? Put on one of my CDs? Or even know conceptually that my art will benefit from another 10 years of development. Maybe my time is over. You know, I really just want to crawl up in a hole and become a monk. I don't think I even care about music anymore. I mean, what good is it doing anyway?

I'll say it again, I know this is a depressing and dark post. I apologize but again, I just don't care. I don't understand why we are so obsessed with living. What does it give us? I don't get it understand right now. I hate hospitals. I hate radiation. I hate taking prescription medication. Everything I've ever been against is bitting me in the butt right now. So that being said, why put myself through it? Why not just move onto the next phase of my existence. Why live? ....really. I think it's time to move on for Uncle Andrew. I don't get the point of destroying my body so that I can "live". I don't get that. And really, is that living so I don't have to die? Or trying not to die so I can live? Fuck both if you ask me. They seem desperate and pointless. And who/what am I living for? Man, I'm so depressed I can't see straight. Seriously, my vision goes in and out of focus I'm so angry and depressed. Fuck. I guess I knew eventually I'd have days like this. ......

Well now, it's not all so bad. On the good side, did any of you listen to WKCR last night? That was fun :-) Can't say as I didn't enjoy listening to my friends chat about my music. Certainly fun for me. Plus I think my family rather enjoyed it as well. Hey, thank you Lightee, Willy and Speedo. That was an honor for me. And it couldn't have been more timely. I needed the uplifting energy. That's for sure.

The other cool thing happening is that my boyfriend is coming to visit. Before I had my seizure, my Icelandic boyfriend, Þorsteinn, had plans to come for a visit arriving the day before my CD release party at the Tea Lounge on the 22nd. After discussing things post incident, we decided maybe it was better he didn't actually come. You know, brain surgery and all. So I asked him to cancel his plans and get a refund on the ticket. Then, just a few days ago, we were talking and we both thought it actually might be kind of fun for us to see each other. Scar notwithstanding. And lucky me, that boy had never actually cancelled his flight. Nice :-) So guess what, I get to see my boy!!!! YEAH!!! He comes in today and I couldn't be happier. I could use a little companionship I'll tell you what. And to be honest, getting the chance to hold someone in bed is going to feel awfully good. Yes, cuddling is going to be nice :-) Very nice indeed.

So you see, not all negative today. But I have to tell you, I AM DEPRESSED ABOUT MY TREATMENT!!! I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!!! I will of course but I can tell you that I need a few days to deal. Ruminate.

Wish I had good vibes to give today. I still really appreciate everyone's expression of love. Thank you again. I'll meditate today and get myself out of this funk. I promise. Lots of love,

Andrew

Some things have happened over the last few days. Things that don't directly involve my destiny or my tumor or my illness or my ego or anything directly pertaining to good 'ol.....me. It has somehow now, become about everybody and everything surrounding me. You. All I can say is.....freakin' wow!! I'm humbled, blown away, dumbfounded, bewildered, in awe, flabbergasted.....you know , basically just really understanding what it means when you say something like "friend". Holy smokes!!!!

For those of you who knew me fairly well before this all began know that my Mother, Connie, gave me some really amazing advice when I was a kid. Not just one piece of advice of course but many over the years. However, for this moment, there is the one piece of advice I want to focus on. And this is what it was: "Son, she would say, always keep your friends. They are the most important thing you will ever have in your life." So, being that I was her naive and innocent son (hey Mom, was I ever really that innocent?), I listened to her. I kept my friends around me at all costs. Hey, not to say that I haven't been a pain in everyone's butt now and then. Especially to some of some of you ;-) And believe me, people are allowed to change and move and shift and develop and grow and so forth. That's for sure. But for the most part, I listened to you Connie!! I kept the spirit of my friends around me as hard and as long as I could. And oh my GOODNESS, can you believe what that means to me today!!?!?!?!?!??!??!?!?? REALLY!!!!!!!!!!

When I had brain surgery, that night (sorry if I'm repeating myself, but it's worth it to make the point here).....anyway, the night after having my head operated on, my friend Chris Speed stayed with me in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) for the evening. Sleeping there even. In fact, I'm not even sure how he achieved this because it was suppose to only be family allowed in the ICU. But there he was. Sitting in what I'm sure was THE most uncomfortable chair watching me try to deal with the pain I was having and of course, watching me try at get some rest. That being said, I don't think there is anyway to explain to you what it was like to be able to open one eye (not sure if both eyes would open at that point) and see him sitting there for me. That, is something you have to experience first hand I think to really understand. That gesture, was so important to me, the words I'm writing here don't even begin to describe it's depth. They just don't. In any case, holy smokes everyone KEEP YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!! THEY ARE LOVE AND SO IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!

I've discussed this topic with my Mother at great length because, since it was her advice, we have watched over the years and seen how my 'friends' were slowly becoming my 'family'. It didn't happen overnight of course. But there is something to be said that the people at the fancy hospital in the ICU never questioned that Chris was or was not family. They just never did. That is a testament to our friendship. And of course, this is just one example of many gestures my friends have made throughout this whole process (throughout my whole life for that matter). I don't mean to belittle anyone act of love but to me, this one sticks out as a pretty freakin' strong move, so I'm using it as the example. Believe me though, it's not the only one I could talk about nor will it be.

There's another friend of mine out there who has been in this situation. Sort of more on the outside looking in. I'll leave his name free of the blob because I'm just not sure he wants to be known in that way. Some 10 years ago though, he was told "that's it". "You have cancer, a tumor (for him it was not a brain tumor but somewhere else on his body) and your not going to make it." They told him. Plus, the cancer was in his musical way. Meaning, they told him on top of "if you don't die, at the least, you'll never play again". Bummer. But he is alive and well today plus man, playing his ass off!!! So poop to you cancer!!! HE WON!!

I bring up his story because somehow, after not really connecting for 20 years with this friend I mention above, we are once again bonding. For obvious reasons I suppose. He has experience with this and I need his help. Plus, we just like each other. See, now that's what is so fucking cool about friends. You don't necessarily have to talk everyday for 20 years because once you've planted the seed of a friendship, it's always there if you want it to be. I really dig that. And you know, this friend of mine here, we used to get together and practice for 12 hours a day. I'm not kidding. And with my current situation (past history aside Jim and Chris ;-) I really don't have any desire to exaggerate. It was the goal of this particular friend of mine and myself to play our instruments every waking moment. Why not we thought. What else did a couple of 20-something-year-olds have to do? Well, ok, drink and smoke. So we did that too but for the most of the day....we practiced. Practiced. Practiced and practiced. That means, that this man, as old as a friend as he is, probably has a lot to do with what I sound like today. I mean shit, who knows, if I didn't practice that much with him back then, maybe I wouldn't play like I do today. ....don't you think? I mean, it's not beyond the realm of possibility that you learn who you are while you're learning who you want to be. Certainly it's the case for me as an artist.

So friends. Young ones who read this blob. Keep your friends. If they piss you off, let them do so. But keep them. Fight through it. It's worth it. These two examples above are just two of many I could bring up. In fact, over the course of all this, I will probably blab on about more things my friends have done in my life. Funniest thing is, you can't predict any of this. You can't say that "I'm going to love my friends because someday when I get brain cancer, they are going to be there for me". It just doesn't work like that. You build your love for others based on the fact that there is only Love. That's it. And as I have worked with my friend Donna, she has shown me that over and over. The first thing she said to me, when we had our first meeting together, is that I needed to learn how to love. Meaning, at least to my understanding at that time, that when you give love, it has no expectations. And if it does, it's not love.

I have worked so hard over the last 10 or so years to put myself out there in this way. I was told by my teacher that at first, people wouldn't notice. In other words, they just expect you to be the same old 'you'. I was an angry young man. Loving of course, but angry. So to shift my focus to becoming pure Love and positive light, I had to begin a long process. And to be honest, I'm not in a hurry to get there. Although, this minor speed bump has put a little bit of a different twist on things. I'm not saying that I feel desperate or anything but I guess I do feel that when I say friend, it means something new now. Something holistically different. A friend today is not like what I called a friend a month ago. It just isn't.

To bring up my friends is so much fun for me. I feel blessed. Can you imagine!? Let me put it to you this way. This is really how I feel about it. This year, we lost a our friend Take Toriyama. Very sad for a lot of us here in this community and I know part of the reason I think we are all bonding together in my situation. It just sucked losing him and it really sucked watching my friend Oscar go through the pain of losing such a close friend. God bless you Oscar. We love you and I'm sorry that you lost Take. He loved you a lot, I know that. But it's something Oscar said at the funeral that really is what I wanted to talk about here. He said (I'm paraphrasing) "if you can judge a man by the friends keeps, this room is certainly an indication of what kind of person Take was." Well, there you have it. If I can judge myself by the people that surround me then.......

My friends are unbelievable. Keep your friends. I know I'm keeping mine Mom. :-) Love to you.

Your Son,

Andrew

Hey, I'm not sure but for those of you who have contacted me about info concerning my tumor with advice, THANK YOU!! I just won't be able to reach out to each mail I get but I do want you to know that I am overwhelmed by the concern and intelligence I am receiving from all of you. So let me thank you. And keep it coming!!!!!